Nelie McNeal, Founder and Managing Partner
There’s a certain comfort in the familiar chatter of high school parents: the anxious smiles, the ease of swapping test scores and GPAs. But as higher‑ed expert Jeff Selingo observes, these casual conversations come with a hidden cost. As he gently nudges families to think beyond prestige and test scores, Selingo challenges us to rethink how we talk about where our kids will go after high school.
It might seem harmless: “So, sweetie, what’s your GPA looking like?” or “Oh, you’re applying to State U? Neighbor Johnny’s applying early action at #2 in the nation!” Yet these exchanges can foster a competitive urgency that quickly slides into comparison and unfair pressure.
Even among teens themselves, this approach can spark anxiety. One student hears another boast about a 32 on the ACT, and suddenly, 28 doesn’t feel good enough. Another tries to one-up leadership roles, trading stories about “President of National Honor Society” versus “Captain of Debate,” long before it’s time to actually apply to college.
Here’s why both dynamics are inadvisable:
- Focus gets lost in the noise. When the conversation shifts to bragging rights, it’s easy to lose sight of fit, growth and curiosity. Selingo encourages families to aim for institutions where students will thrive academically, socially and personally is far more meaningful than chasing ranks.
- Comparison breeds unnecessary stress. For teens, this tunnel vision can be brutal. Those extra few points or leadership titles start to look like lifelines. Parents, meanwhile, may feel their child is falling behind when really every student’s journey is unique.
- It can close doors to discovery. When families fixate on top-tier schools (or the ones their friends’ kids are eyeing), they risk overlooking excellent, less-heralded alternatives. As Selingo points out, sometimes the “dream school” is one rooted in connection, affordability, or a chance for your child to flourish, which may not be the trendiest name at the party.
Find a more compassionate path forward. Replace score-swapping with supportive reflection. As parents, you might say to each other, “I’m so proud of how they’ve grown this year. Those study group habits are paying off.”
When parents or teens veer toward “scoring bragging rights,” gently steer the conversation. Remind them that admissions is deeply personal and unpredictable. Use Selingo’s words to ground the talk: it’s about purpose, not prestige.
In a lighter vein, treat the college search like dating, not trophy collecting. You don’t choose a school because it’s the most prestigious; you choose one where you see yourself showing up every day, excited.
So the next time someone asks, “What’s your GPA?” or “Submitting the ACT score?” pause. Maybe reply: “Let’s talk about what kind of environment where your child will learn best.”
