Elizabeth Schnell, College Consultant

“Teach a person to fish and they will eat for a lifetime” goes an old proverb; its corollary is that if you give someone a fish, the person will eat for just that day. As our world becomes increasingly complex, it feels harder for parents to convey skills kids need to carry into adulthood and more tempting to do things for them, just to get them past today’s obstacle and on to the next challenge. The complexity of applying to college brings out this dynamic in all its glory. With the Common App just submitted and college on the horizon, now is a perfect time to reset.

The instruction manual for adulthood is long; some lessons only sink in after hard knocks. Parents needn’t lecture through the entire curriculum before their offspring reach legal age. Whenever teenagers express curiosity is the right time to start, whether they’re wondering how health insurance works or how to change a tire. Other lessons can be taught “just in time,” not so early that they seem abstract, but enough in advance to avert future crises. (Hello, understanding credit card interest or the basics of budgeting.) And what adult couldn’t offer a lesson they wish they hadn’t learned the hard way?

Teens can take initiative by requesting a “lesson” on anything they anticipate handling, with the stipulation that they prefer hands-on learning. Examples include anything from laundry to bike maintenance to tax forms—as long as the young person has agency and the will to learn. Once a problem arises, parents can make teaching more impactful by acting as co-pilots while children navigate, and resisting the urge to grab the controls.

Julie Lythcott-Haims’ books, “Raising an Adult” and “Your Turn: How to Be an Adult,” provide thoughtful and comprehensive guidance. She normalizes the difficulties and writes with tough love and a healthy dose of humor to urge parents and pre-adults to change their mindsets and expectations of what young folks can master and when. She emphasizes the ongoing and imperfect nature of the process and its resulting growth and confidence. I wish I had received her advice sooner in my parenting career.

I won’t forget my epiphany years ago, when I was watching a nature video about baby animals with four kids under the age of nine. Adorable grizzly cubs cavorted as mama bear demonstrated fishing for salmon while the narrator droned, “as soon as the cub catches her first salmon, her mother will never fish for her again,” channeling Ferris Bueller’s science teacher. Back then, our kindergartner routinely asked for help tying his shoes, invariably at inconvenient times. It was always faster if I did it for him, even though he’d shown that he could eventually complete the task himself. I realized I had been training him to rely on me. My light bulb observation became a teachable moment for both of us, and I (almost) never tied his shoes again.

Cultivating independence requires love and fortitude on both sides. Happy Adulting!